Sam - 8

Cont...

Max had offered to let them reload weapons so they were left alone in the armory. The instant Max left Sam dropped into a chair and dropped his head into his hands. Avery's comment had hit him hard and he was still reeling.

"That was uncalled for. She's wrong." Bucky said trying to be supportive although knowing nothing of what was going on.

 "No." Sam said, pulling his head up to rest on his hands, "She's not wrong. I did know, and it wouldn't have mattered."

"What are you saying?" Bucky asked, thrown off with Sam agreeing with Avery.

 "We weren't supposed to go up that night, me and Riley. In fact when we asked we were ordered not too. But it was a simple op, one we'd done hundreds of times before and people were getting hurt. No one else could go in but us.
So I disobeyed orders and took my wings. I talked Riley into helping me break them out and go up. We took them up and before anyone could get us back down we were already neck-deep in that mission. I didn't know there were RPGs.
 It went from easy as pie to the worst possible nightmare. And it was all my fault." Sam said with a faraway expression on his face.

"That can't be all true, he chose to go with you," Bucky said quietly, sitting across from Sam.

Sam shook his head, "No, he was enough younger than me that he worshipped me. He would have done anything for me blindly. He and I had a bond almost greater than that of his fiancé."

"Avery," Bucky said remembering her reference to a ring.

"Yeah," Sam sniffled, choking back tears, "But instead of a wedding she paid for a funeral. And a lawyer."

"For what?" Bucky asked.

"The backlash of us going off the reservation. We saved enough people that I was given an award. They were given demotions." Sam said nodding, "And I didn't do a thing about it."

"That's when you quit and left." Bucky put it together.

"Yeah. I said I needed time. I said I'd be back in two weeks. But the longer I was away the more unbearable going back seemed.
It was my fault. There wasn't anything it seemed left for me there.
 Two weeks turned to two months and slowly I moved on. It took me two years to get out of my gloom and a long time before I got anywhere near normal." Sam rubbed the wetness from his eyes, "For some reason, I never thought of calling or anything. Now here we are." Sam was quiet for a moment before admitting one thing he'd sworn he'd never tell Steve. But Bucky wasn't Steve.  

"I wish sometimes, watching you and Steve, wish it was me and Riely. It hurts. That day after Berlin watching, listening to you two, I was witnessing what I can't have. It's hard to live in Steve's shadow, sometimes, it's even harder to live in yours."

There was a long moment of silence between the two men and for the first time, Sam felt a connection to the man sitting across from him. An understanding.

"You know the more you talk about it the more surprised I am that we were helped in the first place and haven't been thrown out. That and you haven't been punched yet." Bucky spoke finally with an amused glint in his eyes.

Sam couldn't help but chuckle rolling his eyes and letting a smile breakthrough. With a shake of his head, he rose, "Whatever."

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