The Price We Pay for Family - 25

 

Cont...

AJ couldn't breathe. Everything was pressing down on him, and when he tried to breathe, he couldn't. He tried to move, but something was holding him down.

 This is what it feels like to die. A voice echoed in his head. It sounded like Uncle Bucky. 

AJ couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't move. I don't wanna die!!!! AJ screamed in his mind.

 He woke up choking on his own breath. 

Ever since Cass had found that video, his nightmare had ramped up. AJ's hands were shaking as he sat up. The blood, the pain, the drowning, it wouldn't leave his mind.

 The worse part about the whole situation was that now that he knew why those people had wanted his Uncle, he felt SAFE. He knew they wouldn't come for him or his family again. He could go outside without looking over his shoulder, not freak out if someone dropped something loudly. He no longer expected something bad to happen. Because it already had.

 It made AJ feel sick. His Uncle had bought their freedom with his blood, his life, and AJ had the audacity to feel, good about it, relieved, happy even. AJ curled up and leaned against his headboard. Why did he feel this way? What was his problem? 

AJ squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think about how scared his Uncle had looked as the water filled the tank. His Uncle had never seemed scared in front of them, always the 'strong silent type.' To see that fear, AJ choked back a sob, "Why did you do it?" 

He wished his Uncle could answer him. He had so many questions, so many things left to ask, to do, to say to learn. All gone because his Uncle was the unluckiest person in the world. 

He'd told AJ about how he'd ended up the way he was. Well, AJ had kinda forced him to. 

It had been relatively early on when Bucky had come to stay with them, before they had meshed into a family. Before Mama and Bucky had fallen in love. It had been a stupid bully's words that had gotten to AJ. But he had had to know. 

"Uncle Bucky?" AJ had found him down working in the boat, keeping the engine up to working standards. 

"Hey, AJ. How was school?" Bucky had asked, sticking his head out from behind the engine after saying the words. He'd frowned when he'd seen AJ's face, "What's wrong?" 

AJ had wanted to find a way to ease the question into the conversation but faced with his Uncle and such a blatant question, he just blurted it out, "Why did Henry McCain say that you were gonna kill us all?" 

Bucky's face shifted from concerned to pained very quickly, "Why don't we go upstairs to talk?" 

They'd gone upstairs and pulled out sodas and sat on the dock. "What exactly did Henry tell you?" Bucky had finally asked. 

"He said that you were a killer and that one day you'd turn on us and kill us before we knew what happened and that only then we would see we'd been stupid thinking a monster could be tamed," AJ admitted softly.

 Bucky had closed his eyes and sighed, "I'm sorry you had to hear that." 

"What did he mean?" AJ asked cautiously, "He's wrong, right?"

 "He's not completely wrong. But yes, he is wrong." Bucky said carefully. 

"What?" AJ stared at him in horror. 

"AJ, before I explain anything, I need you to understand a few things, okay?" Bucky said firmly, "Are you listening?" 

"Yes," AJ confirmed softly. 

"I love and will care for you and your family, always, okay? And I will never hurt any of you. Do you understand?" Bucky said very clearly.

 "Yes," AJ confirmed, fear loosening in his chest. 

"Okay. Good. It is important you know that no matter what I or anyone else tells you. That overrides everything." Bucky stressed. 

"But some part of what Henry said was true." AJ pointed out. 

Bucky deflated a bit and looked down at his soda, unable to meet AJ's eyes, "Yes. I was a killer. Past tense." 

AJ's mind reeled, he couldn't imagine his fearless, slightly awkward Uncle hurting anybody, let alone kill them, but he'd admitted to it so, "What happened?"

 "I was drafted into a war." Uncle Bucky said quietly, "And I was captured." 

"World War 2, right?" AJ recalled hearing Uncle Sam mention it offhand one time. 

"Yeah. The people who captured me changed me. Made me into a killer for them. I think a lot about that time." Bucky said softly, looking at the water below.

 "How did you get out?" AJ asked equally as quietly.

 "I didn't. My best friend broke me out with your Uncle. But I was really broken from all that time in captivity. All that time as a killer. So your Uncle and my friend took me someplace I could heal." Bucky looked up at AJ, "That's how I know that I will never hurt you or your family. I'm healed from being a killer. I wouldn't do that anymore."

 "Then why does Henry think you will?" AJ asked.

 "Because people don't understand what it's like to be forced to do things against your will. And when people don't understand, they get scared. Henry doesn't understand that I'm healed. He never will. But as long as you do. I'm fine with that." Uncle Bucky explained. 

"Okay. Thanks for explaining that." AJ said softly. 

"You're welcome, AJ. You can always ask me anything, okay?" Bucky said firmly.

 "Okay." AJ grinned. 

"Alright. Now let's finish up these sodas before your mom finds out." Bucky said with a grin.

 And those answers had been enough for AJ. He'd never corrected Henry for his words. That was his Uncle's business and not Henry's, so what if he was wrong? All that mattered was that his Uncle was right. 

But now AJ wished he had asked more questions, pushed more, been less satisfied. Because now he would never get the answers he wanted. 

"Why did you do it?" AJ whispered into the darkness of his room. He'd never know why his Uncle gave up his freedom, his life, for them. He'd never know what finding that freedom all those years ago felt like. He'd never know, and that hurt. 

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