The Story Book

Cont...  Sam dreamed of falling and woke up screaming and wondered if that was what Bucky felt the first time he had died. The feeling of being dead weight. The way your gut sloshed nervously and then dropped out. The panic.  But that wasn't true, was it? He hadn't died falling; he'd died drowning in a trap Sam had let him walk into.  As much as he hated to say it, John was right. There was nothing he could have done. That answer didn't satisfy the guilt that ate at him like it had with Riley. Like he was there just to watch.  The thoughts and guilt followed. Why didn't I stop him? Why him? What if-? No matter how hard Sam worked. No matter what he did.  The government had tried putting a new partner with him, but he'd wiggled out of that. Torres was trying to keep up with him and ensure he was alright, but it wasn't the same. Sam hadn't realized how used to it he'd gotten, having a partner to watch his back. Having someone who would drag him to mea...

  Cont... The pain faded as the months began to pass. They settled into a new rhythm without even noticing. And the raw edges of loss and pain dulled. Sarah hated it. She cried herself to sleep the first day she hadn't thought about him. The first time she instinctively called Carlos or Sam or Torres or anyone, instead of him she'd broken down in an anxiety attack. It was like she was forgetting. Like the presence that had built itself intrinsically into her was gone, and she didn't even notice. Life went on, and plans turned into memories, and more and more, it felt like life was easier, and Sarah screamed into her pillow at night because she was forgetting. She now understood why he said it was so horrible.  She'd woken up to the sounds of someone retching one night that now felt so long ago and had found him sitting quaking on the cold tile floor of the bathroom downstairs. "Bucky?" She'd pointed her phone flashlight at him, and he'd winced at the g...

  Cont... The weeks after the funeral were hard. Life went on and eventually Uncle Sam couldn't dodge getting called back to Washington. So with a heavy heart and even heavier bags under his eyes Uncle Sam had headed back to work. AJ had watched him go. Sad, numb and angry. Not unlike himself. Not unlike any of them.  Mama had thrown herself into the restaurant and charity work. She was trying to work through the grief. AJ wasn't sure it was working.  Cass had become obsessed with his tablet, hiding away in his room always in his electronics.  Sam had fixed almost everything that needed fixing in the house restaurant and boat that he could get his hands on. He was running from the grief. He never talked about it. Never mentioned it. He was just vacant. Mama said he did that after people he cared about died.  Mama worked, Cass hid and Uncle Sam ran. AJ, AJ was pissed.  He was pissed, and he was scared, and he was sad all at once. They had dared to come and s...

  Cont... The world spins on.  It makes Cass want to scream.  It's like no one remembers there used to be someone else in their family. That there were five, and now there's four, just like that.  They have a small service, and a lot of people he's never met show up. It's a tiny group. They're all adults, all using proper words, and Cass wants to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum like when he was little. He doesn't. It's all so wrong.  He hides under the tree by the river where you can't see him till you're right next to him.  They'll miss him at the gathering. Cass doesn't care. Bucky was the only person who could find him here anyway. He never had to look. He just knew. And now he's gone.  Cass's vision blurs as his eyes betray him with angry tears. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Bucky was supposed to stay around forever. Teach him to drive, fight, and about girls. He'd been happy here. Cass knew that. And he...

  Cont... The US Government refused to give them the military funeral Bucky deserved. Sam wanted to scream. They would let a black man be Captain America, but they wouldn't give the longest-serving POW the funeral he deserved. Rhodey stepped in and got the headstone next to Steve, at least. No funeral, but they were laid to rest together. If it even counted since they had no body.  Sam didn't even want to think about where the body really would be buried. A dark hole in the middle of nowhere. Maybe one day, Sam would find it rotting away in some forgotten lab. He doubted they would dump it in some ditch on the side of the road, too suspicious. If he was being honest, they would never find it. It would be destroyed, too precious to be saved for something like burial. Like Vision. Sam thought of Wanda and her outburst in Westview and finally understood a little of it. The rage. The injustice. The pain.  Sam couldn't sleep anymore. All he saw when he closed his eyes was Buck...

  Cont... (May the 4th be with you!) Figuring out how to tell Cass was the hardest thing Sam had ever tried to do. He hadn't been old enough to understand when his father had died all those years ago. All he'd ever known was Sarah and Uncle Sam. And Bucky.  But at the end of the day, Sarah had done the hard thing and told him. Sam would forever feel shame and regret for that. His sister was one of the strongest people in the world. But she shouldn't have to do this.  Cass had woken up bleary-eyed and sleepy so he missed the red eyes or his brother and mom. But he didn't miss the fact Sam was here.  "Uncle Sam!" Cass threw himself at Sam for a hug. Sam wrapped him in his arms and braces for the next question.  "Where's Uncle Bucky?" Cass asked, pulling away and looking around eager. The words stabbed at Sam's heart worse than he thought they would.  "He's not here, baby," Sarah said gently coming over to them.  "Is he in the...

  Cont... AJ hadn't been able to sleep. Everything had been such a blur today, and he knew he was supposed to be asleep, his body was begging for it, but his mind wouldn't let him. It was moving too fast for his body to control.  The van. The cage. Those people. The red dots floating over him and Cass. Uncle Bucky's eyes looking at him calmly.  It felt like every nerve in his body was standing on end. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt safe anymore.  He curled tighter around Cass, inhaling deeply of the blankets and pillow. It smelled like Bucky and faintly of Mama's lavender laundry detergent. The smell soothed his body. It didn't quiet his mind.  All he could think of was how his Uncle had smelled like gunpowder when he'd last seen him. He only ever smelled like gunpowder when he was packing. His Uncle always checked his weapons meticulously before he used them. Because of this, he would smell of gunpowder when he was done.  AJ had found the smell comfortin...